After I got back to Buffalo from the OD Network conference in San Diego, I was having a great deal of trouble sleeping. Like, staying up ‘til 3, 4, 5 o'clock in the morning, and finally dropping exhausted into nothingness. Waking, unrested and uneasy… At first I put it down to my body clock not readjusting the 3 hours. But then realized that I had "adjusted" 3 hours in the wrong direction… Most confusing, and I was too tired to figure it out. This kept up for over three weeks.
I also noticed that my eating was way out of control. I was aware of the craziness - that's what it felt like - but not of the pattern or the cause. One Friday, I said to my therapist that I'd like to work on my eating problems, and we agreed to start "next week". The next Friday, driving out to Carol's, I started to cry. I realized that I didn't want to go to sleep at night. To face my aloneness. I'd visited my friend Maggie inCarol said, “Why don't you move around, and perhaps your body will tell you something?” So I sat there, moving my arms and head, twisting my body this way and that... and suddenly I locked up, frozen. My hands were overlapping, in a cradling posture, and I was looking down at my right elbow ... Ohmigod, it's the baby ... I'm holding the baby, and I'm frozen in fear ... What??? But I love this baby. S/He isn't even here yet, and I love this baby. Ohmigod, I'm terrified of loving again. Opening my heart without question. Falling into love completely as I look at the baby. And afraid to lose him/her. Afraid of this pain and grief. That it might ever actually come into being - afraid of the possibility to the extent that I couldn't sleep, couldn't rest for three weeks. Carol's comment in the moment, “What a wonderful gift this baby is giving you”.
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